An Indian Man's Confession: What Women's Day Makes Me Confront About Our Society

I used to be that typical Indian man – sharing WhatsApp forwards about Women's Day while casually witnessing the same patriarchal systems at home and work. It took years of unlearning generational biases to recognize how deeply our culture has normalized gender discrimination. This isn't an easy post to write, but as a privileged Indian male, it's my responsibility.

The Workplace Reality I've Witnessed

Let me be brutally honest about what happens in Indian workplaces. I've been part of countless conversations where women are passed over for opportunities because "family obligations might be an issue." I've witnessed managers casually asking female candidates about their marriage plans while discussing job roles.

The patterns are deeply ingrained in our culture. During departmental meetings, women who leave early for family responsibilities are labelled "not committed enough," while men are never questioned about their domestic duties.  I've even seen female colleagues' technical expertise questioned simply because of their gender.

The most revealing conversations happen during performance reviews. "She'll get married and leave anyway," they'll say about a talented female employee. Or "This work is not suitable for women" when discussing lead roles. Even more disturbing is how we justify paying women less because they're considered "secondary earners."

Perhaps the most complex layer of gender discrimination in India is the role women themselves play in perpetuating patriarchal norms. I've observed this devastating pattern across every sphere of life.

In workplace settings, senior women often become the harshest critics of their female juniors. "I struggled and made it without any special treatment," they'll say, wearing their toxic work culture survival like a badge of honor. Female managers scrutinize other women's work-life balance choices more severely than male managers do, perpetuating the very biases they once faced.

The Higher Education Paradox

The struggle of female higher education students in India reveals our society's deepest contradictions. I've witnessed countless scenarios where families proudly announce, "We believe in education for our daughter," only to follow it with a stream of restrictions and conditions.

A female postgraduate student faces questions that her male counterparts never encounter:

• "My child, finish your thesis quickly, good proposals are coming (marriage proposals)"

• "Why do you need to attend that conference in another city?"

• "Research is fine, but learn to cook also - what will your in-laws say?"

• "Don't stay too late in the college. Reach home soon."

  
  

The pressure intensifies with age. While male students are encouraged to pursue post-docs abroad, women hear warnings about "crossing marriageable age." A 28-year-old female research scholar balances her thesis writing with "seeing potential matches" because her family insists "there won't be good prospects after 30."

The most painful irony? The same parents who once encouraged academic excellence now view it as a liability in the marriage market. "Too highly educated girls have trouble adjusting," relatives whisper. Meanwhile, these women perform incredible mental gymnastics - pursuing academic goals while attending matchmaking meetings, managing research deadlines while fielding questions about their cooking skills, and fighting for conference funding while being reminded that "ultimately family should come first."

Even in premier institutions, female scholars often live with stricter hostel timings, dress codes, and mobility restrictions than their male peers. They're expected to maintain "traditional values" while pursuing modern ambitions, all while watching their male colleagues focus solely on their research without these additional burdens.

Marriage, Family, and the Great Indian Hypocrisy

At home, the dynamics are even more problematic. We proudly claim that Indian culture respects women, citing examples of goddesses, yet expect our wives to balance high-pressure  jobs while managing the entire household, all while living with and caring for in-laws. Mother-in-laws, who once suffered under patriarchal restrictions, become the strictest enforcers of these same rules for their daughters-in-law. The woman who fought for her career in her youth now criticizes her daughter for prioritizing work over family. Sisters-in-law compare and compete instead of supporting each other, turning the home into a battlefield of subtle negotiations and power plays.

• In social circles, women have become the sharpest critics of other women's choices:

• Working mothers judging stay-at-home moms for "wasting their education"

• Stay-at-home mothers criticizing working moms for "neglecting their children”.

• Single women facing the most brutal comments about their appearance and lifestyle from married women.

• Female relatives leading the chorus of "time to lose weight" after pregnancy.

• Women policing other women's clothes, makeup, and behaviour with more Vigor than any man.

This internalized misogyny runs so deep that even progressive, educated women sometimes catch themselves participating in it. The aunty who comments on a young girl's dress choice was once that young girl herself. The mother-in-law who monitors her daughter-in-law's phone calls once resented the same treatment.

Breaking this cycle requires women to recognize and reject their role as enforcers of patriarchal values. It demands that women:

• Acknowledge their own biases against other women

• Choose solidarity over competition

• Support other women's choices, even when different from their own

• Create networks of support rather than criticism

• Remember their own struggles and show empathy

Because while men built the system, women have been recruited as its most effective guards. True liberation requires dismantling not just external patriarchy, but the internalized biases that turn women against their own.

The Marriage Market Mindset

Our obsession with fair skin, height, and weight has created a toxic culture of body shaming. I've been part of countless family gatherings where women face unsolicited comments:

• "Who will marry you if you become too dark?"

• "A working woman should look presentable at all times"

• "Post-marriage weight gain doesn't look good"

• "You're 28 and focusing on your career? Time is running out"

The Silent Struggles at Home

In Indian households, the discrimination is even more pronounced:

• Women eating last after serving everyone

• Daughters-in-law expected to seek permission for basic decisions

• Working women still handling 90% of household responsibilities

• Financial decisions controlled by male family members

• Career sacrifices expected after having children

What Real Change Looks Like in the Indian Context

For us Indian men, being allies means challenging deep-rooted cultural norms:

1. At Work:

   • Understand if female employee says that, “she needs to take care of her children” or “her parents” etc.

   • Make the working hours flexible by understanding their situation.

   • Challenge the "she'll leave after marriage" bias in promotions.

   • Stand up against casual sexism in workplace.

2. At Home:

   • Share household responsibilities without being asked.

   • Respect wife's career as much as your own

   • Stand up to family pressure that discriminates.

   • Support choices about career, marriage, and children

3. In Society:

   • Challenge dowry discussions, even indirect ones.

   • Stop commenting on women's attire and lifestyle choices.

   • Question religious practices that discriminate.

   • Support women's financial independence.

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A Challenge to My Fellow Indian Men

This Women's Day, instead of forwarding messages about Women:

• Question why we need "permission" from husbands for working

• Challenge the "what will people say” mentality.

• Stop the subtle conditioning of our daughters to be "adjusting”.

• Examine our own privileges and biases.

Because real change in India won't come from celebrating Women’s day. It will come from dismantling the patriarchal mindset we've inherited and normalized.

To my fellow Indian men: We can't hide behind tradition anymore. The question is, are we brave enough to challenge our own families, our own beliefs, and our own behaviours?

---Written by an Indian man who's unlearning generational biases and challenging the status quo. Share if you're ready to question our "culture" of discrimination.